...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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