Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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