3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
