dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
