when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I am one with the molecules
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
