i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
