jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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