Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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