I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
