If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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