Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
