Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
