i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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