He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
