If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
