I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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