so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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