I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
