You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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