Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
