at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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