My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
