yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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