remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
