I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
