I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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