if only i could text you this smell
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
