3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
