I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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