How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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