I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
