how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
