Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
