Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
