not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
