I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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