So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
