oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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