I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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