dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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