Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
