yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
