she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So vagazzling was a success
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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