Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
