I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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