Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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