For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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