When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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