Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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