Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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