there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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