Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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