omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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