quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
