So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
